WAGS And DomesticAppliances: The Big Question

“Can a WAG use any of the domestic appliances?” I was shocked and dismayed by the question! Of COURSE she can!

The WAG is the best thing that’s come out of football! How could anyone compare the dedication of a bunch of grown men kicking a ball about, to the dedication of a WAG to her complex lifestyle? The question offends me. She certainly knows how to use a number of domestic appliances.

The first one that comes to mind is an appliance indispensable to every WAG household, called a “Baller”. (I was extremely relieved to discover that it stands for ‘footballer’.) Now this appliance is central to the continued functioning of the entire domestic life of the WAG. She understands exactly where it’s applied and knows exactly which buttons to press to ensure the best quality of domestic flow. (In parenthesis, you have to be a WAG to own one of these, so the mere fact that she has one proves that she’s qualified to use it.)

Just glance around the kitchen! Pick an example at random! There we are – cream. Whipped cream. She knows exactly how to do that. (Can’t leave THAT one to the maid!) First, obviously, you take the cream – upstairs. Then you close the curtains, turn down the bed covers, and lay out the gear. Leather thongs, black edible stockings, black leather belt with bronze buckle, leather whip, leather retaining straps – all natural products, please note. She’s very green conscious. (It’s the vogue, see?) Dim the lights for better results.

When the preliminaries are done, bring in the baller, don the gear, then spread the cream evenly over its entire body. Then whip. The baller shakes and vibrates during whipping – (I think it has something to do with the density or constituency of the cream, not sure). There you go! I’m not sure how they get the whipped cream into the coffee, but hey, making the coffee isn’t her function. What does one have a maid for?

Those Electric Thingies Around The House:

There’s the electric fan. That’s a no-brainer. You place the fan to the side of a full-length mirror, arm yourself with a brush, and switch on. It’s designed to emulate the flow of your hair at different wind speeds, simulating your drive in the convertible with the hood down. Leaves no room for styling errors.

Then there’s the refrigerator. That’s designed to keep certain face preparations at the right temperature. (The cook figured out she could keep food there too – quaint. Never mind, as long as she leaves room for the important stuff).

The electric kettle. Now there’s a smart invention. When your man gets in and he’s been pissing it up and is all objectionable, you throw that at him. But here’s the twist – it can also boil water! So when he’s armed with a bottle or something, and you can’t risk letting the kettle out of your hands, you simply throw the boiling water in a sweeping, waist-high arc!

Come on, you can’t teach a WAG about domestic appliances!