I’m so excited! My niece told me recently that she had joined the WAGs! I’m so happy for her – I don’t mind telling you that I was beginning to have some doubts about her…..quite a handful, she was becoming. Well, there you are – never lose faith; we were all young once.
I’m not sure who the WAGs are, but I joined the WRENS during the War, and I can tell you, we had a fair bit of fun, we did! All for a good cause, mind you. (That awful man with the little moustache was being an absolute beast on the Continent. Made his presence felt in England, too. Quite wrecked the place. Well, we taught him to mind his “p’s” and “q’s”, we did - with a little help from the others, of course.)
I suppose WAGs must be something similar. My niece, Jane, tells me that they’re quite involved with sporting activities. (Football, I think she said.) I remember how much fun we had in the WRENS, supporting our local regiments in their sporting matches – mostly cricket, in those days, but football and rugby too. Looked very dashing in their white attire, they did. Very good for morale, it was; kept up the spirits. Good clean fun.
I shouldn’t say this, but the socials after the matches weren’t always quite so clean! Quite frisky, some of those lads were, I can tell you! But certainly good for OUR morale! (Good Heavens, what would my mother say if she heard a remark like that?) Well, can’t live in the Dark Ages, can we? Must move with the times; far more open now – too open, if I may be so bold.
Never mind, good healthy activities will be good for our Jane. Won’t do her any harm to learn a bit of decorum and proper presentation. (She mentioned that proper attire was terribly important, so that’ll do her good. No fashion sense at all, to my mind. Won’t do her any harm to learn from those in the know.) I told my friends about it and they’re all very happy for her, though none of them seemed to know much about WAGs. My young nephew, Neville, will be over for a visit shortly, so perhaps I could ask him.
Ah, Here’s Neville Now! Do Excuse Me …
Well, THAT was uncalled for! I simply asked Neville if he knew anything about the WAGs, and he told me to “Google It”! Don’t know what got into him, he’s normally such a nice, placid young man. He doesn’t LOOK annoyed or anything; just sitting at the computer as if nothing happened. How awkward.
What’s that, Neville? You FOUND something about WAGs? On the computer? How very clever of you! You must show me how you did that. Well, shift over, young man, let me see ….
Ah, here we are, let’s see what they say. .…..
Ah, yes, there you are …..
Oh, that’s interesting……
Oh ……?
Oh, dear …….
Oh, My …..
Oh, dear me …
Oh Shit.
Showing posts with label WAGS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label WAGS. Show all posts
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Surviving In The WAG Jungle: WAGS Personal Interests
I imagine that topping the list of a WAG’S personal interests would be her husband or boyfriend and their children. That’s why she’s a WAG. Being a WAG is one thing; surviving as one, is another.
WAGS World is a jungle. To survive in that jungle, she needs to be able to identify her predators – as well as her prey. Those are her personal interests. Avoid the predators or overcome them to stay alive, and feed on the prey to live. An interesting species she is indeed – and as a species, certainly not on the endangered list!
In the short term, her interests appear to be shopping, nightclubbing, fashion; shopping, nightclubbing, grooming; shopping, nightclubbing, recognition; shopping nightclubbing, attaining and maintaining celebrity status; shopping, clubbing, socializing; shopping nightclubbing, making an impression. Oh, and possibly more than a passing interest in football, or whatever other sport earned her the title.
The long term is another story. She knows that her celebrity status, based on her partner’s sporting success, has a shelf life. Those activities are not just a game or a pastime. They are part of her survival strategy, to ensure a future beyond the golden days of her partner’s shelf life.
Her interest in the sport is to support his performance, to enhance his chances of prolonging his success for as long as possible.
Her Clubbing, Shopping and Partying Has A Purpose.
Celebrity status affords her the opportunity of being widely recognized and becoming a marketable commodity in her own right. Once sufficiently marketable, she may be able to attract financial sponsorship to pursue her own career.
In order to build sponsor confidence, she has to display talent in the appropriate arena, which is probably fashion, make-up, the performing arts, writing an autobiography….. Her aim would be to have her own fashion line, her own perfume fragrance, her own talk show – or just a little Oscar now and then.
Sitting at home won’t get her in the public eye. She NEEDS to be seen, to be written about, (to be interviewed ….. wellll, that may not always be in her best interests), to be talked about, and, yes, even gossiped about. THAT’S what gets her hits on a website, featured on the front page – or page 3 - or the back page – they’re all good. And that’s what makes her a marketable commodity.
Survival. She needs to be where the action is, where the other WAGS and celebrities hang out, if she wants to keep an eye on what they’re up to. They may be her friends, but they also have the same ambitions. If she’s not there to take an opportunity, one of them will be. She needs to know what the competition is doing; and she needs to promote herself; to do her PR work.
Her personal interests are survival in a jungle; but a lush, green, rich jungle, where she’ll be able to shop, nightclub and socialize way beyond her WAG shelf life.
Nothing wrong with that – if she and her family can survive emotionally
WAGS World is a jungle. To survive in that jungle, she needs to be able to identify her predators – as well as her prey. Those are her personal interests. Avoid the predators or overcome them to stay alive, and feed on the prey to live. An interesting species she is indeed – and as a species, certainly not on the endangered list!
In the short term, her interests appear to be shopping, nightclubbing, fashion; shopping, nightclubbing, grooming; shopping, nightclubbing, recognition; shopping nightclubbing, attaining and maintaining celebrity status; shopping, clubbing, socializing; shopping nightclubbing, making an impression. Oh, and possibly more than a passing interest in football, or whatever other sport earned her the title.
The long term is another story. She knows that her celebrity status, based on her partner’s sporting success, has a shelf life. Those activities are not just a game or a pastime. They are part of her survival strategy, to ensure a future beyond the golden days of her partner’s shelf life.
Her interest in the sport is to support his performance, to enhance his chances of prolonging his success for as long as possible.
Her Clubbing, Shopping and Partying Has A Purpose.
Celebrity status affords her the opportunity of being widely recognized and becoming a marketable commodity in her own right. Once sufficiently marketable, she may be able to attract financial sponsorship to pursue her own career.
In order to build sponsor confidence, she has to display talent in the appropriate arena, which is probably fashion, make-up, the performing arts, writing an autobiography….. Her aim would be to have her own fashion line, her own perfume fragrance, her own talk show – or just a little Oscar now and then.
Sitting at home won’t get her in the public eye. She NEEDS to be seen, to be written about, (to be interviewed ….. wellll, that may not always be in her best interests), to be talked about, and, yes, even gossiped about. THAT’S what gets her hits on a website, featured on the front page – or page 3 - or the back page – they’re all good. And that’s what makes her a marketable commodity.
Survival. She needs to be where the action is, where the other WAGS and celebrities hang out, if she wants to keep an eye on what they’re up to. They may be her friends, but they also have the same ambitions. If she’s not there to take an opportunity, one of them will be. She needs to know what the competition is doing; and she needs to promote herself; to do her PR work.
Her personal interests are survival in a jungle; but a lush, green, rich jungle, where she’ll be able to shop, nightclub and socialize way beyond her WAG shelf life.
Nothing wrong with that – if she and her family can survive emotionally
Energy In Crisis: How Do WAGS Keep Enough Energy For Clubbing?
If there’s one thing that WAGS deserve credit for, it’s their energy levels.
Their energy requirements are enormous. Kick-starting their brain requires considerable energy. Then, whether they succeed or not, there are monumental decisions to make, which can be exhausting. What clothes to wear initially, planning the number of times they’ll have to change outfits that day – taking into consideration who else they might meet and what they will be wearing. Getting weather reports to ascertain what make-up to choose. Calculating appointment times. (Thank goodness for digital watches – those hands could be confusing.)
Then, before attacking the day, calmly sitting down and thinking about whom, in the wake of last night, you’re speaking to and who you aren’t – and who you’re likely to be speaking to, who won’t be speaking to someone else you may or may not be speaking to. Thinking is hard; you have to be sitting down.
Then the day begins and our heroin has to attend a football match or a practice, pose for the paparazzi, do a PR number on the coach and face the floozy who’s trying to tempt her man. Thereafter she has to synchronize her visit to the gym with whoever she needs to share a confidence with that day - or plot a coup - exercise, shower, redo make-up, avoid /or speak to the paparazzi.
Then the serious business of some pre-lunch shopping begins. Attend lunch, field the paparazzi. Lunch requires the utmost concentration. As much as a wrong or a misplaced word may leave someone off the hook! Anyway, that’s the time to catch up on the consequences of the night before and to regroup for the night to come.
After lunch, there’s serious shopping to be done. That not only requires the energy expended in getting to the WAGS’ workplace, but of trying on scores of outfits. And, of course, the endless decisions. They’re exhausting.
If you’re under the impression that the decisions involved are just a matter of what looks nice, you’re living in a fool’s paradise. Is your shopping mate telling you to choose that outfit because she thinks that it looks nice on you, because she wants to look better than you, or because she wants to buy the better one herself? Or does she know that someone else has the same one and you did something last night that you don’t remember? It’s not easy. It’s exhausting.
From the shopping there’s the late afternoon appointment, whether to entertain or to be entertained; after which, dress for dinner, a major feat in itself.
Then, at last, night time comes along and she has to go clubbing and test the results of her day’s labours.
And all that is just the routine stuff. Mischief is extra.
So how do WAGS keep enough energy for clubbing?
Energy management. Take the exhausting stuff out of the above schedule. Stop thinking. Trust your instincts. Dispense with reasoning. Demand, and throw a quick tantrum if your demands are not met. Avoid planning – take it as it comes. No problem.
Their energy requirements are enormous. Kick-starting their brain requires considerable energy. Then, whether they succeed or not, there are monumental decisions to make, which can be exhausting. What clothes to wear initially, planning the number of times they’ll have to change outfits that day – taking into consideration who else they might meet and what they will be wearing. Getting weather reports to ascertain what make-up to choose. Calculating appointment times. (Thank goodness for digital watches – those hands could be confusing.)
Then, before attacking the day, calmly sitting down and thinking about whom, in the wake of last night, you’re speaking to and who you aren’t – and who you’re likely to be speaking to, who won’t be speaking to someone else you may or may not be speaking to. Thinking is hard; you have to be sitting down.
Then the day begins and our heroin has to attend a football match or a practice, pose for the paparazzi, do a PR number on the coach and face the floozy who’s trying to tempt her man. Thereafter she has to synchronize her visit to the gym with whoever she needs to share a confidence with that day - or plot a coup - exercise, shower, redo make-up, avoid /or speak to the paparazzi.
Then the serious business of some pre-lunch shopping begins. Attend lunch, field the paparazzi. Lunch requires the utmost concentration. As much as a wrong or a misplaced word may leave someone off the hook! Anyway, that’s the time to catch up on the consequences of the night before and to regroup for the night to come.
After lunch, there’s serious shopping to be done. That not only requires the energy expended in getting to the WAGS’ workplace, but of trying on scores of outfits. And, of course, the endless decisions. They’re exhausting.
If you’re under the impression that the decisions involved are just a matter of what looks nice, you’re living in a fool’s paradise. Is your shopping mate telling you to choose that outfit because she thinks that it looks nice on you, because she wants to look better than you, or because she wants to buy the better one herself? Or does she know that someone else has the same one and you did something last night that you don’t remember? It’s not easy. It’s exhausting.
From the shopping there’s the late afternoon appointment, whether to entertain or to be entertained; after which, dress for dinner, a major feat in itself.
Then, at last, night time comes along and she has to go clubbing and test the results of her day’s labours.
And all that is just the routine stuff. Mischief is extra.
So how do WAGS keep enough energy for clubbing?
Energy management. Take the exhausting stuff out of the above schedule. Stop thinking. Trust your instincts. Dispense with reasoning. Demand, and throw a quick tantrum if your demands are not met. Avoid planning – take it as it comes. No problem.
WAGS With Brains: A Short Article ….
Don’t make the mistake of assuming that WAGS don’t have brains. They certainly do. What happens inside those brains, may, in some cases, be somewhat suspect. In other cases, the brain has been known to become dormant until the WAG status wears off, when they seem to be revived, with some modifications. It would make an interesting study, but to the best of my knowledge, no positive results have emanated from any such attempts.
I believe that certain psychologists who have tried to conduct such in-depth studies seem to end up speechless, with vacant eyes, shaking-of-the-head syndrome and utterly astonished expressions permanently etched on their faces. Their eyes seem to flicker momentarily when they see the flash of a credit card, but apparently they suffer sudden, violent seizures at the sound of a cashier’s till. Post seizure shaking can last for hours and may be accompanied by weeping. At the sound of a whistle they appear to suffer panic attacks, their desperate eyes displaying signs of seeking an escape.
While some experts are working on the development of medication to relieve these symptoms, experts in other areas are focusing on methods of containing a possible mass outbreak of similar symptoms among the psychiatric fraternity during the impending 2010 World Cup Series.
If some WAGS seem to be confused at times – many times – most times – all the time, that should not be perceived to display a lack of intelligence. I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent person, but after reading their blog site, I myself felt some – a great deal of – confusion. On the subject of confusion, in fairness, bear in mind that WAGS have to communicate with other WAGS – and if that isn’t confusing, please define confusion.
The fact that they maintain a blog site does indicate that at least some of them do have active, capable brains. (Even if the first large advert I noticed happened to be for a dildo.) More than that, I read a post indicating that Cassie Sumner had written an autobiography about life as a WAG. In her book, apparently she warns off wannabe WAGS, and even states that her life as a WAG has put her off shopping for life, so I presume she’s well on the road to recovery. But, there again, she’s now an ex-WAG, so the faded status thing comes into play. A comment to the post about her book from a supportive ex-WAG supports the theory of a dormant brain being revived in WAG afterlife. Ex-WAGS bear frightening testimony to the lifestyle.
Ex-WAGS seem to have very good brains. WAGS certainly have brains, even if, in cases, to a greater or lesser degree, dormant. The question is, where are the brains in the pre-WAG stages?
WAGS Displaying Active Brains:
Recently a group of WAGS competed in an episode of “The Weakest Link” – okay, that’s a bad example. Moving on …..
Wonderful weather, we’ve been having. It’s almost spring in the southern hemisphere. Umm….. not bad in the north, either.
(There has to be something…)
Okay, gotta go.
I believe that certain psychologists who have tried to conduct such in-depth studies seem to end up speechless, with vacant eyes, shaking-of-the-head syndrome and utterly astonished expressions permanently etched on their faces. Their eyes seem to flicker momentarily when they see the flash of a credit card, but apparently they suffer sudden, violent seizures at the sound of a cashier’s till. Post seizure shaking can last for hours and may be accompanied by weeping. At the sound of a whistle they appear to suffer panic attacks, their desperate eyes displaying signs of seeking an escape.
While some experts are working on the development of medication to relieve these symptoms, experts in other areas are focusing on methods of containing a possible mass outbreak of similar symptoms among the psychiatric fraternity during the impending 2010 World Cup Series.
If some WAGS seem to be confused at times – many times – most times – all the time, that should not be perceived to display a lack of intelligence. I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent person, but after reading their blog site, I myself felt some – a great deal of – confusion. On the subject of confusion, in fairness, bear in mind that WAGS have to communicate with other WAGS – and if that isn’t confusing, please define confusion.
The fact that they maintain a blog site does indicate that at least some of them do have active, capable brains. (Even if the first large advert I noticed happened to be for a dildo.) More than that, I read a post indicating that Cassie Sumner had written an autobiography about life as a WAG. In her book, apparently she warns off wannabe WAGS, and even states that her life as a WAG has put her off shopping for life, so I presume she’s well on the road to recovery. But, there again, she’s now an ex-WAG, so the faded status thing comes into play. A comment to the post about her book from a supportive ex-WAG supports the theory of a dormant brain being revived in WAG afterlife. Ex-WAGS bear frightening testimony to the lifestyle.
Ex-WAGS seem to have very good brains. WAGS certainly have brains, even if, in cases, to a greater or lesser degree, dormant. The question is, where are the brains in the pre-WAG stages?
WAGS Displaying Active Brains:
Recently a group of WAGS competed in an episode of “The Weakest Link” – okay, that’s a bad example. Moving on …..
Wonderful weather, we’ve been having. It’s almost spring in the southern hemisphere. Umm….. not bad in the north, either.
(There has to be something…)
Okay, gotta go.
Interesting WAG Hobbies, Besides Shopping: “Oh, There’s SO Much!”
“Do you have any hobbies, beyond shopping?”
“I don’t know why people want to put us all in one ….. well, one ….peapod, you know? I mean, we’re all unique individuals. Victoria said it all when she said that life is so much more than football; that one has to see the full picture, you know, like there’s make-up and fashion …..”
“Yes. So what do you do?”
“Well, I’m a real PEOPLE person. I love people, and I like to give back something. I feel that it’s important to just listen to them sometimes – you know, to give a sympathetic ear? Not everybody understands shopping the way I do, and by listening, I can give them tips and help them. And about make-up too! And then there’s clubbing …..”
“Nightclubs or seals?”
“Yes, nightclubs – what other kind is there? Well, anyway, I’ve been studying social behaviour. That’s when a person learns to behave with ‘decorum’? Is that a word? You know, when you don’t throw up in public or tell the waitress to f*** off when she hits on your guy, and you ‘handle’ it, well, sort of graciously?”
“Yes, But What Of Your Hobbies?”
“Well, I tried to ride a horse once, but I didn’t like that. He was very rude. He kept on, you know, passing wind. I mean, what if people thought it was me? Can’t they train them or something? What if they did that in front of the Queen?”
“Queen Elizabeth? She’s an excellent rider. I think she would understand.”
“Oh …. yes, I suppose. Actually I meant Alex – Alex Curran, the WAG Queen? You don’t go out much, do you?”
“Tried any other hobbies?”
“Oh, lots! Like, I collect make-up. I’m passionate about that! I have so much that I’ll probably never use, but I just love to collect all sorts of famous brands. Whatever’s hot. And I like to keep a scrap book. I have a collection of my personal appearances in newspapers and magazines, then I have another collection of other WAGS. Actually, two – one for the ones I like and one for the ones I don’t like. You’d be amazed how busy that keeps me, because I keep changing my mind about who belongs where!”
“Anything outside of the World of Wags?”
“Where? What do you mean? I love water sport, if that’s what you mean! Like yachting….”
“You sail?”
“Well, I lie on the deck and work on my tan. I don’t do the ropes and things, if that’s what you mean. That would be crazy. Do you know how much I have to spend on my nails? Georgio would kill me! Oh … hah, hah, hah, …he’s my manicurist! You looked so shocked! Did you think I was having an affair? …..Would that count as an interest?”
“I wouldn’t call that a hobby – it’s more of a career risk ..…”
“Oh, yes, I suppose so. Well, obviously I love football …..”
“How very sensible.”
“You see? I’m not just a pretty face! I lead a fascinating life!”
“I don’t know why people want to put us all in one ….. well, one ….peapod, you know? I mean, we’re all unique individuals. Victoria said it all when she said that life is so much more than football; that one has to see the full picture, you know, like there’s make-up and fashion …..”
“Yes. So what do you do?”
“Well, I’m a real PEOPLE person. I love people, and I like to give back something. I feel that it’s important to just listen to them sometimes – you know, to give a sympathetic ear? Not everybody understands shopping the way I do, and by listening, I can give them tips and help them. And about make-up too! And then there’s clubbing …..”
“Nightclubs or seals?”
“Yes, nightclubs – what other kind is there? Well, anyway, I’ve been studying social behaviour. That’s when a person learns to behave with ‘decorum’? Is that a word? You know, when you don’t throw up in public or tell the waitress to f*** off when she hits on your guy, and you ‘handle’ it, well, sort of graciously?”
“Yes, But What Of Your Hobbies?”
“Well, I tried to ride a horse once, but I didn’t like that. He was very rude. He kept on, you know, passing wind. I mean, what if people thought it was me? Can’t they train them or something? What if they did that in front of the Queen?”
“Queen Elizabeth? She’s an excellent rider. I think she would understand.”
“Oh …. yes, I suppose. Actually I meant Alex – Alex Curran, the WAG Queen? You don’t go out much, do you?”
“Tried any other hobbies?”
“Oh, lots! Like, I collect make-up. I’m passionate about that! I have so much that I’ll probably never use, but I just love to collect all sorts of famous brands. Whatever’s hot. And I like to keep a scrap book. I have a collection of my personal appearances in newspapers and magazines, then I have another collection of other WAGS. Actually, two – one for the ones I like and one for the ones I don’t like. You’d be amazed how busy that keeps me, because I keep changing my mind about who belongs where!”
“Anything outside of the World of Wags?”
“Where? What do you mean? I love water sport, if that’s what you mean! Like yachting….”
“You sail?”
“Well, I lie on the deck and work on my tan. I don’t do the ropes and things, if that’s what you mean. That would be crazy. Do you know how much I have to spend on my nails? Georgio would kill me! Oh … hah, hah, hah, …he’s my manicurist! You looked so shocked! Did you think I was having an affair? …..Would that count as an interest?”
“I wouldn’t call that a hobby – it’s more of a career risk ..…”
“Oh, yes, I suppose so. Well, obviously I love football …..”
“How very sensible.”
“You see? I’m not just a pretty face! I lead a fascinating life!”
A WAG’s Favourite Chocolate Brands: (To EAT Or To Display? Who’s Buying?)
It’s not that simple. Firstly, who’s buying? Secondly, who’s going to see? Is it for me, or is it a gift to someone? Or am I going to serve them? Thirdly, will I have to pronounce the name? There’s a lot to consider – it’s not just a case of choosing one!
Of course, we know all the best brands, but if you’re new to this, you have to find your way around. If someone else is buying, you don’t want to look cheap – or uneducated – so you choose one of the exclusive shops and while you pretend to be undecided because they’re “all so decadently delicious” and you “really shouldn’t”, you check the price tags. Price tags are always a good guideline.
If you’re just on a binge yourself, the ones in the supermarket will do just fine – the imported ones, of course. (You never know who you might bump into unexpectedly. It’s all very well to be caught slumming it, but there are limits.)
If you’re entertaining at home, well you have to know who is going to be there and what they served at their party – and how their faire was received. (“Faire”? Did I say that? Wow.!) Anyway, you don’t want to offer the same, so you have to do better. Unless, of course, that brand is the vogue at that moment and expected, then you have to just make sure that you have more of them than your guests served at their party. Then presentation is everything. It’s all in HOW you serve the chocolates.
If you’re giving chocolates as a gift, find out where they buy from and get the most expensive ones from there. Remember that giving chocolates always sends a message, so what you buy depends on how much you like the person. If she’s mean to you and she’s drop dead gorgeous, buy a lot and buy the full fat ones with sweet fillings. She’ll either get fat or throw up – either way. If she’s overweight and mean, well that’ll do to. If she’s your friend and you want her to keep her figure, buy a few of the a top brand, low fat, liqueur chocolates and place them in a good quality crystal container or something like that, so that she knows you want to spoil her, but you care. But not so few that she’ll think that you think she’s getting fat!
Buying chocolates isn’t just something that you do. A lot of thought has to go into it. There are consequences.
Down To The Business Of Non-Negotiables:
They must be imported. Unless, of course, you happen to be in Belgium at the time, then you can buy local! Or in France. Or Switzerland. Italy too. (Buy a lot, then, so that you can take back a bunch as gifts. That way people know you were there.)
Rules of Thumb? Well, sure, there are some basic rules. If they’re expensive, that’s good. If they’re exclusive, that’s better. If they have to be flown in for the occasion – that’s jackpot.
Of course, we know all the best brands, but if you’re new to this, you have to find your way around. If someone else is buying, you don’t want to look cheap – or uneducated – so you choose one of the exclusive shops and while you pretend to be undecided because they’re “all so decadently delicious” and you “really shouldn’t”, you check the price tags. Price tags are always a good guideline.
If you’re just on a binge yourself, the ones in the supermarket will do just fine – the imported ones, of course. (You never know who you might bump into unexpectedly. It’s all very well to be caught slumming it, but there are limits.)
If you’re entertaining at home, well you have to know who is going to be there and what they served at their party – and how their faire was received. (“Faire”? Did I say that? Wow.!) Anyway, you don’t want to offer the same, so you have to do better. Unless, of course, that brand is the vogue at that moment and expected, then you have to just make sure that you have more of them than your guests served at their party. Then presentation is everything. It’s all in HOW you serve the chocolates.
If you’re giving chocolates as a gift, find out where they buy from and get the most expensive ones from there. Remember that giving chocolates always sends a message, so what you buy depends on how much you like the person. If she’s mean to you and she’s drop dead gorgeous, buy a lot and buy the full fat ones with sweet fillings. She’ll either get fat or throw up – either way. If she’s overweight and mean, well that’ll do to. If she’s your friend and you want her to keep her figure, buy a few of the a top brand, low fat, liqueur chocolates and place them in a good quality crystal container or something like that, so that she knows you want to spoil her, but you care. But not so few that she’ll think that you think she’s getting fat!
Buying chocolates isn’t just something that you do. A lot of thought has to go into it. There are consequences.
Down To The Business Of Non-Negotiables:
They must be imported. Unless, of course, you happen to be in Belgium at the time, then you can buy local! Or in France. Or Switzerland. Italy too. (Buy a lot, then, so that you can take back a bunch as gifts. That way people know you were there.)
Rules of Thumb? Well, sure, there are some basic rules. If they’re expensive, that’s good. If they’re exclusive, that’s better. If they have to be flown in for the occasion – that’s jackpot.
The WAG And Mood Swings: Understanding PMS.
WAGS, don’t despair . I’m a man, but a sympathetic one. Listen up.
PMS’s are a natural curse to all women, even WAGS. They parade under the umbrella of Perpetual Mood Swings. You cannot escape them in your complex lifestyle. After all, you have so much to deal with - you cannot be expected to be happy and cheerful all the time, although it’s advisable in public. The paparazzi can be ruthless.
There are multiple causes, and they can hit you any number of times a day. The way to combat them is to understand them and to arm yourself with some solutions.
Example One – Business:
Pre Match Stress: What will you wear? Will it be a good hair day or a bad one? What about the weather – waterproof make-up or not? The girls went shopping yesterday (obviously!) – did someone buy the same outfit you did? Do you shout for the bastard after his scene with that hussy, or give him the cold shoulder? Do you have to go at all? All perfectly legitimate concerns.
Chill, girlfriend. You are you and you are unique (lol … oh, that means ‘lots of love’…oops), so trust your instincts. The girl at the boutique didn’t allow anyone else to buy the same outfit for tomorrow’s game, even if she does hate your guts for being such a bitch to her. She’s wants you and the others to keep shopping there. Don’t stress. Wear waterproof make-up. If it doesn’t actually rain, it’ll be hot as hell in the VIP box and you’ll sweat anyway. Shout for the bastard. Nobody understands what you’re shouting anyway, so let it all out. And yes, you do have to go. The paparazzi expect it. You have to support your supporters – it’s just good business. Anyway, if you don’t, he might take that hussy.
Example 2 – Out Of The Public Eye:
Porsche Mechanic Stress: Don’t let him stress you out. You cannot expect a man to understand that you need him to locate that funny noise you can’t define - (you cannot be expected to be mechanically-minded on top of all your essential talents and skills; that’s what you pay him for) – to get rid of it, tone up the colour in those troublesome spots and do the oil thingy quickly, because you need the car before your lunch appointment.
If he looks as though he’s not taking in what you’re saying – well, you’re probably right. Men can only focus on one thing at a time. (That’s why they focus on the cleavage – there’s only one of those.)
Solution: Make him stand up when you’re talking to him. Don’t let him fool you into thinking that he has to lie under that car and you have to bend forwards to speak to him. Tell him that despite the warm weather, you’ll have to change your halter neck for a Victorian dress by 1:00pm for a function. He’ll have the car ready by noon.
If you find these tips helpful, give me a call – we’ll discuss the rest over lunch.
PMS’s are a natural curse to all women, even WAGS. They parade under the umbrella of Perpetual Mood Swings. You cannot escape them in your complex lifestyle. After all, you have so much to deal with - you cannot be expected to be happy and cheerful all the time, although it’s advisable in public. The paparazzi can be ruthless.
There are multiple causes, and they can hit you any number of times a day. The way to combat them is to understand them and to arm yourself with some solutions.
Example One – Business:
Pre Match Stress: What will you wear? Will it be a good hair day or a bad one? What about the weather – waterproof make-up or not? The girls went shopping yesterday (obviously!) – did someone buy the same outfit you did? Do you shout for the bastard after his scene with that hussy, or give him the cold shoulder? Do you have to go at all? All perfectly legitimate concerns.
Chill, girlfriend. You are you and you are unique (lol … oh, that means ‘lots of love’…oops), so trust your instincts. The girl at the boutique didn’t allow anyone else to buy the same outfit for tomorrow’s game, even if she does hate your guts for being such a bitch to her. She’s wants you and the others to keep shopping there. Don’t stress. Wear waterproof make-up. If it doesn’t actually rain, it’ll be hot as hell in the VIP box and you’ll sweat anyway. Shout for the bastard. Nobody understands what you’re shouting anyway, so let it all out. And yes, you do have to go. The paparazzi expect it. You have to support your supporters – it’s just good business. Anyway, if you don’t, he might take that hussy.
Example 2 – Out Of The Public Eye:
Porsche Mechanic Stress: Don’t let him stress you out. You cannot expect a man to understand that you need him to locate that funny noise you can’t define - (you cannot be expected to be mechanically-minded on top of all your essential talents and skills; that’s what you pay him for) – to get rid of it, tone up the colour in those troublesome spots and do the oil thingy quickly, because you need the car before your lunch appointment.
If he looks as though he’s not taking in what you’re saying – well, you’re probably right. Men can only focus on one thing at a time. (That’s why they focus on the cleavage – there’s only one of those.)
Solution: Make him stand up when you’re talking to him. Don’t let him fool you into thinking that he has to lie under that car and you have to bend forwards to speak to him. Tell him that despite the warm weather, you’ll have to change your halter neck for a Victorian dress by 1:00pm for a function. He’ll have the car ready by noon.
If you find these tips helpful, give me a call – we’ll discuss the rest over lunch.
WAGS And DomesticAppliances: The Big Question
“Can a WAG use any of the domestic appliances?” I was shocked and dismayed by the question! Of COURSE she can!
The WAG is the best thing that’s come out of football! How could anyone compare the dedication of a bunch of grown men kicking a ball about, to the dedication of a WAG to her complex lifestyle? The question offends me. She certainly knows how to use a number of domestic appliances.
The first one that comes to mind is an appliance indispensable to every WAG household, called a “Baller”. (I was extremely relieved to discover that it stands for ‘footballer’.) Now this appliance is central to the continued functioning of the entire domestic life of the WAG. She understands exactly where it’s applied and knows exactly which buttons to press to ensure the best quality of domestic flow. (In parenthesis, you have to be a WAG to own one of these, so the mere fact that she has one proves that she’s qualified to use it.)
Just glance around the kitchen! Pick an example at random! There we are – cream. Whipped cream. She knows exactly how to do that. (Can’t leave THAT one to the maid!) First, obviously, you take the cream – upstairs. Then you close the curtains, turn down the bed covers, and lay out the gear. Leather thongs, black edible stockings, black leather belt with bronze buckle, leather whip, leather retaining straps – all natural products, please note. She’s very green conscious. (It’s the vogue, see?) Dim the lights for better results.
When the preliminaries are done, bring in the baller, don the gear, then spread the cream evenly over its entire body. Then whip. The baller shakes and vibrates during whipping – (I think it has something to do with the density or constituency of the cream, not sure). There you go! I’m not sure how they get the whipped cream into the coffee, but hey, making the coffee isn’t her function. What does one have a maid for?
Those Electric Thingies Around The House:
There’s the electric fan. That’s a no-brainer. You place the fan to the side of a full-length mirror, arm yourself with a brush, and switch on. It’s designed to emulate the flow of your hair at different wind speeds, simulating your drive in the convertible with the hood down. Leaves no room for styling errors.
Then there’s the refrigerator. That’s designed to keep certain face preparations at the right temperature. (The cook figured out she could keep food there too – quaint. Never mind, as long as she leaves room for the important stuff).
The electric kettle. Now there’s a smart invention. When your man gets in and he’s been pissing it up and is all objectionable, you throw that at him. But here’s the twist – it can also boil water! So when he’s armed with a bottle or something, and you can’t risk letting the kettle out of your hands, you simply throw the boiling water in a sweeping, waist-high arc!
Come on, you can’t teach a WAG about domestic appliances!
The WAG is the best thing that’s come out of football! How could anyone compare the dedication of a bunch of grown men kicking a ball about, to the dedication of a WAG to her complex lifestyle? The question offends me. She certainly knows how to use a number of domestic appliances.
The first one that comes to mind is an appliance indispensable to every WAG household, called a “Baller”. (I was extremely relieved to discover that it stands for ‘footballer’.) Now this appliance is central to the continued functioning of the entire domestic life of the WAG. She understands exactly where it’s applied and knows exactly which buttons to press to ensure the best quality of domestic flow. (In parenthesis, you have to be a WAG to own one of these, so the mere fact that she has one proves that she’s qualified to use it.)
Just glance around the kitchen! Pick an example at random! There we are – cream. Whipped cream. She knows exactly how to do that. (Can’t leave THAT one to the maid!) First, obviously, you take the cream – upstairs. Then you close the curtains, turn down the bed covers, and lay out the gear. Leather thongs, black edible stockings, black leather belt with bronze buckle, leather whip, leather retaining straps – all natural products, please note. She’s very green conscious. (It’s the vogue, see?) Dim the lights for better results.
When the preliminaries are done, bring in the baller, don the gear, then spread the cream evenly over its entire body. Then whip. The baller shakes and vibrates during whipping – (I think it has something to do with the density or constituency of the cream, not sure). There you go! I’m not sure how they get the whipped cream into the coffee, but hey, making the coffee isn’t her function. What does one have a maid for?
Those Electric Thingies Around The House:
There’s the electric fan. That’s a no-brainer. You place the fan to the side of a full-length mirror, arm yourself with a brush, and switch on. It’s designed to emulate the flow of your hair at different wind speeds, simulating your drive in the convertible with the hood down. Leaves no room for styling errors.
Then there’s the refrigerator. That’s designed to keep certain face preparations at the right temperature. (The cook figured out she could keep food there too – quaint. Never mind, as long as she leaves room for the important stuff).
The electric kettle. Now there’s a smart invention. When your man gets in and he’s been pissing it up and is all objectionable, you throw that at him. But here’s the twist – it can also boil water! So when he’s armed with a bottle or something, and you can’t risk letting the kettle out of your hands, you simply throw the boiling water in a sweeping, waist-high arc!
Come on, you can’t teach a WAG about domestic appliances!
The Successful WAG: A Genie In A Peroxide Bottle?
Don’t kid yourself. The successful WAG is an athlete’s greatest asset, along with his talent and skill in the game.
WAGs, you may be temperamental, a compulsive shopper and a clubber of note – but there’s the key: “Of Note”! You are his future and yours. If you’re a successful WAG and not just a tongue wag, you will be working on that future right now, doing what you do best.
Your partner is on top of his game and reaping the rewards. He can’t kick a ball around forever. He knows that he has a limited shelf life, and subconsciously it bothers him.
You are where you are because of his talent and skills, and you need to do whatever you can to enhance his career while he has it. His efforts have formed the foundation of your lifestyle. Help him to secure it – and prepare for the next world now.
You ARE The Successful WAG.
You recognize his talents; you’re proud of them. Others might be leaches; you are a nurturer. You understand his stresses and weaknesses; you encourage, support, accentuate his strengths and provide the drive to excel. But you are his comfort, too - his port in the storm. (I have no comment on docking procedures.)
Your own lifestyle recognizes the need for PR. You smooth his relationship with his coach and his team-mates. You show his coach that you are an asset to his game and not a hindrance. You don’t steal his thunder, you applaud it. (You know that the girls who steal their partner’s thunder are insecure and don’t know where the hell they’re at.) His game is the golden goose – you feed it and nurse it and keep it plump.
Meanwhile, you have your eye on that distant horizon. You shop, you club, you build your image. You ensure that the paparazzi see you for what you are – a woman with a brain, who knows how to present herself. You’re chic, you’re fun, you have style, you have taste - and you’re happening; but most of all you’re the force behind the man.
Second fiddle? Not for long. You’re building your reputation as a force to be reckoned with. You don’t just spend his money – you’re looking for investments. As your reputation waxes stronger, you’re making the contacts. You’re sending out signals, you’re checking the turf. You’re not asking for recognition- you’re building a platform that, in time, will draw it like a magnet. You’re building your own foundation that will, one day, be solid enough to support your success.
Your style and your panache will win you your clothing lines, your fragrances. Your insight will win you the personal appearances. Most of all, your acumen will win the confidence of investors and public alike.
Right now, you’re riding the crest of the wave with your partner. You surf that wave and get as much mileage out of it as you can, while you secure the next world for you and the man into whom you’ve invested so much.
You go, Girl!
WAGs, you may be temperamental, a compulsive shopper and a clubber of note – but there’s the key: “Of Note”! You are his future and yours. If you’re a successful WAG and not just a tongue wag, you will be working on that future right now, doing what you do best.
Your partner is on top of his game and reaping the rewards. He can’t kick a ball around forever. He knows that he has a limited shelf life, and subconsciously it bothers him.
You are where you are because of his talent and skills, and you need to do whatever you can to enhance his career while he has it. His efforts have formed the foundation of your lifestyle. Help him to secure it – and prepare for the next world now.
You ARE The Successful WAG.
You recognize his talents; you’re proud of them. Others might be leaches; you are a nurturer. You understand his stresses and weaknesses; you encourage, support, accentuate his strengths and provide the drive to excel. But you are his comfort, too - his port in the storm. (I have no comment on docking procedures.)
Your own lifestyle recognizes the need for PR. You smooth his relationship with his coach and his team-mates. You show his coach that you are an asset to his game and not a hindrance. You don’t steal his thunder, you applaud it. (You know that the girls who steal their partner’s thunder are insecure and don’t know where the hell they’re at.) His game is the golden goose – you feed it and nurse it and keep it plump.
Meanwhile, you have your eye on that distant horizon. You shop, you club, you build your image. You ensure that the paparazzi see you for what you are – a woman with a brain, who knows how to present herself. You’re chic, you’re fun, you have style, you have taste - and you’re happening; but most of all you’re the force behind the man.
Second fiddle? Not for long. You’re building your reputation as a force to be reckoned with. You don’t just spend his money – you’re looking for investments. As your reputation waxes stronger, you’re making the contacts. You’re sending out signals, you’re checking the turf. You’re not asking for recognition- you’re building a platform that, in time, will draw it like a magnet. You’re building your own foundation that will, one day, be solid enough to support your success.
Your style and your panache will win you your clothing lines, your fragrances. Your insight will win you the personal appearances. Most of all, your acumen will win the confidence of investors and public alike.
Right now, you’re riding the crest of the wave with your partner. You surf that wave and get as much mileage out of it as you can, while you secure the next world for you and the man into whom you’ve invested so much.
You go, Girl!
WAG – A Domestic Goddess? Cast Aside All Doubts!
The question cropped up, “Is a WAG a domestic goddess?” For the life of me, I cannot understand why the question. Of course. Surely that’s evident. Consider goddesses you’ve heard of – what do they do around the house?
She graces it with her presence. She lounges, making her will known. She leaves no doubt as to who the goddess of the house is. She metes out punishment – and she grants favours. She can wither you with a look, or turn your knees to water with a smile. She’s mystical.
Mystical? Of course she is. How often have you gazed into those goddess eyes and wondered what the hell is going on in there? There’s no telling. Do YOU know how she arrived at some of those decisions – or what she’s going to do next? When you see that ember of life in those eyes turn to a glow, can YOU anticipate whether she’ll give you honey from her lips or launch a vase at your head?
She demands the best from you. She can be pacified with gifts – but an inferior gift will ignite her wrath, and fire and brimstone will be your lot until you rectify the situation with something more worthy. She can bring crushing poverty down upon your home; or she can grant you fame and wealth, way beyond anything you enjoyed before.
Damn right, she’s a domestic goddess, and you doubt that at your peril.
The Good News – She’s Made Of The Good Stuff.
Yup, she’s not all cold and stony - when she chooses not to be. Sure, that cold shoulder has a freeze in it that could reverse global warming; but she has – well, other attributes – that could melt the ice caps in an hour.
This domestic goddess can be all woman when she so chooses. She can be soft and pliant. She can sooth you with soft lights and gentle music. She can soak you in luxurious bubble baths to ease your aching muscles and nurture you with the smoothest whiskey to ease the flight of today into tomorrow. Her strong, gentle hands can massage the Coach right out of your consciousness.
And the gift thing? (Did I mention that she grants wisdom too?) If you use wisdom, you’ll find that she’s happy with gift vouchers from certain elite shops – and accounts at most others. (She accepts credit cards.) And she knows how to show favour when you show wisdom and use the life lessons she’s so caringly taught you.
She doesn’t come with a user manual, so you have to figure it out, but that’s what the change rooms at work are for. That’s where fellowship with your colleagues and the sharing of knowledge and experience comes in. Use that time wisely. Learn from the mistakes of others and give support to the newbies in your group.
WAG goddesses can be temperamental – but would you want a cold, inanimate statue on your mantelpiece instead? Well, assuming it’s not a golden football trophy with your name on it, of course. That’s always jackpot.
She graces it with her presence. She lounges, making her will known. She leaves no doubt as to who the goddess of the house is. She metes out punishment – and she grants favours. She can wither you with a look, or turn your knees to water with a smile. She’s mystical.
Mystical? Of course she is. How often have you gazed into those goddess eyes and wondered what the hell is going on in there? There’s no telling. Do YOU know how she arrived at some of those decisions – or what she’s going to do next? When you see that ember of life in those eyes turn to a glow, can YOU anticipate whether she’ll give you honey from her lips or launch a vase at your head?
She demands the best from you. She can be pacified with gifts – but an inferior gift will ignite her wrath, and fire and brimstone will be your lot until you rectify the situation with something more worthy. She can bring crushing poverty down upon your home; or she can grant you fame and wealth, way beyond anything you enjoyed before.
Damn right, she’s a domestic goddess, and you doubt that at your peril.
The Good News – She’s Made Of The Good Stuff.
Yup, she’s not all cold and stony - when she chooses not to be. Sure, that cold shoulder has a freeze in it that could reverse global warming; but she has – well, other attributes – that could melt the ice caps in an hour.
This domestic goddess can be all woman when she so chooses. She can be soft and pliant. She can sooth you with soft lights and gentle music. She can soak you in luxurious bubble baths to ease your aching muscles and nurture you with the smoothest whiskey to ease the flight of today into tomorrow. Her strong, gentle hands can massage the Coach right out of your consciousness.
And the gift thing? (Did I mention that she grants wisdom too?) If you use wisdom, you’ll find that she’s happy with gift vouchers from certain elite shops – and accounts at most others. (She accepts credit cards.) And she knows how to show favour when you show wisdom and use the life lessons she’s so caringly taught you.
She doesn’t come with a user manual, so you have to figure it out, but that’s what the change rooms at work are for. That’s where fellowship with your colleagues and the sharing of knowledge and experience comes in. Use that time wisely. Learn from the mistakes of others and give support to the newbies in your group.
WAG goddesses can be temperamental – but would you want a cold, inanimate statue on your mantelpiece instead? Well, assuming it’s not a golden football trophy with your name on it, of course. That’s always jackpot.
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